Archive for the ‘movies’ Category

VAN DAMME FRIDAY!

October 30, 2009

Van Damme doesn’t just make mind punching action movies, you know. A couple years back he made an art-house film called ‘JCVD’ (that’s his name, duh).

Not sure how I feel about this movie. There’s a whole lot of talking and not a lot of snake punching. In fact, there are NO snake punching scenes!

Let me outline the plot for you. Some lameo criminals rob a bank and take JCVD hostage. Then everyone thinks JCVD robbed the bank. I find this hard to believe, because if it really was JCVD he would disarm them in a millisecond and then get on to a real adventure… One with jungles and time travel and awesome dance sequences…

Why he made this I do not know. But because it stars JCVD it’s still better than 99% of movies out there.


STAR WARS UNCUT…

October 26, 2009

…Or as I like to call it, Star Wars chopped into tiny little nerdy pieces!

15 second pieces to be exacto. Which is perfect for my non-existant attention spanner.

So who is making this? Georgio Lucaz? No, it’s the good people of the interweb – call it web 2.whatever, they’re all chipping in to recreate the first movie, ‘Star Wars: The First Adventure in Space’. (I think that’s what it’s called).

Watch the trailer, and get involved! But don’t expect me to – no pesos, no Raul!!! Capeesh???

VAN DAMME FRIDAY!!!

October 16, 2009

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A wasted opportunity.

Forget about Christine Bale. You know how should star in the next Terminator movie? Duh. Van Damme! Schwarzenegger is one cool amigo, but it is time he passed the robotic torch onto his true successor. Van Damme has the muscles, the hair, and the ability to look cool in shades to do the job justice.

Come on Hollywood, put Van Damme in Terminator 5!


I WANT TO WORK IN JAPAN

October 8, 2009

In Japan, they pay famous actors a whole lot of pesos to act loco. It is my dream to star in one of their arthouse commercials. Check these out…


The Governator’s been in a few.


Even Hulk Hogan is getting a slice of the sushi pie!

You can check out a whole lot more HERE.

FRANCIS THE TALKING MULE

September 28, 2009

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In the 1950’s, Francis was the biggest mule star in Hollywood. He starred in 7 movies including ‘Francis Goes to the Races’, ‘Francis Covers the Big Town’, and ‘Francis Wipes Out the Communists’. OK, I made the last one up.

In each movie, Francis played the role of a tough army mule. He was pretty much the Rambo of his time.


I WANT ONE OF THESE…

September 27, 2009

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Forget about The Oscars, amigos. The Razzies is the numero uno awards show, having awarded some of the greatest movies of all time, including ‘Battlefield Earth’, ‘The Love Guru’, and ‘Catwoman’.

Hopefully, I’ll one day join the ranks of Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, Rob Schneider and Ben Affleck by winning a ‘best actor’ razzie.

CLICK HERE to find out more about the greatest awards show on the planet!


VAN DAMME FRIDAY!!!

September 18, 2009

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This picture is from Hard Target, my favourite Van Damme movie. It takes a great actor to be able to sport such a styling mullet while beating the crapola out of a snake.

Let’s see that again!!!

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THE BEST AUDITION TAPE EVER

September 17, 2009

If you want to become a better actor, take some tips from this guy.

VAN DAMME FRIDAY

September 11, 2009

It’s Van-Damme Friday! Every Friday I will celebrate the many achievements of my film hero, Jean-Claude Van Damme.

To kick things off, here is a video of Van Damme taking out his first ever victim in ‘Black Eagle’.

MULE VARIATIONS MY ASS

September 10, 2009

Even though we mules have perfect pitch, it is so freaking hard for us to play instruments. So we have to rely on you people to write songs about us.
This week I have been listening to an album called ‘Mule Variations’ by Tom Waits.

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Great title, but where’s the mule?

If you’re expecting to hear a variety of classic mule songs, get ready for disappointment – there is only one song about mules on the album, ‘Get behind the mule’. And it’s nowhere as good as ‘Mules on parade’ or ‘Who let the mules out’. Somebody arrest this guy for false advertising!